Evil Dead (2013)

This movie promises a lot. The original creators remake their own cult classic and deliver on ALL THE PROMISES. They deliver that package of horror straight to your soul.

The first time I watched this film my eyes were glued to the screen. I couldn’t look away. My heart actually hurt from the tension and worry for the main character, who I wanted to persevere so badly. The story is set up nicely, allowing you to suspend your disbelief just enough to hold on and enjoy the whole ride.

5 possessed Mia’s out of 5

The Hand (1981)

Considering the heavy weights involved in this film you know it’s good. Michael Caine has long hair, I was minus 5 years old when this movie came out so it was interesting to see him in his younger days. He is excellent, even more so, and so believable.

I can see the special effects being creepy for their time, they will still creep you out but as you can expect for a movie that 30+ years old some of the special effects are cheese. To balance it out, the acting and plot is so good you don’t even care/notice.

I could also spot how this film influenced some of my favourites growing up. It’s just plain cool.

5 Zombie Fingers out of 5

Curse of Chucky (2013)

It was awesome. Chucky is scary, and funny. but definitely more scary than funny!

Some folks are freaked out by dolls, the fear is called, ‘Pediophobia.’ I know my fiancee, Mr. Chris, cannot handle this one toy thing we have called little, it’s from the monster factory and looks like this:

Charlie has been renamed Lydia and is slightly terrifying, but the cats dig her. Yes, She has her own chair. I’m not sure if they just like her because she’s covered in their hair or what, by Lyd’s and the cats are BFF’s. Originally, I thought Chris’ fear was a joke. But he cannot stand this thing. After some time I realized it was serious and the only reason we keep the doll is in order to keep the peace with the cats.

Anyways, Chuckster the Curse is awesome. Effects are fantastic, soundtrack is perfect, acting is GOOD, the movie takes the story more seriously overall and there are some twists that I had not expected.

Give her a shot!

My Rating: 5 homicidal dolls out of 5

Maleficent (2014)

The Deets:

Disney Live action film focused on the villain in Sleeping Beauty – Maleficent!

Angelina Jolie stars.

I don’t think I can give this a bias review because I LOVED THIS MOVIE. Lots of special effects, fairies, some funny moments, a really bad guy, magical plants and overall excitement.

I am enjoying the path a lot of kids films are taking, pulling the focus from the relationship between princess and prince, and instead exploring child and guardian.

Angelina Jolie is awesome, very believable in her role, and lovable as well. She is an excellent actress, she kicked butt and found treasures as Lara Croft, and she has antlers and saves the forest as Maleficent.

My advice: If you like fairy tales and are ready for something a little different, give this one a try. However, if you have kids you may want to screen this one first. There is one scene in the film that the really young ones could start crying, it’s fairly upsetting.

My Rating: 5 Dominatrix headpieces out of 5.

After Earth (2013)

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Cast: Will Smith and his assorted Children

Good or Bad? Awesome

First, On the director: For some reason, lots of folks decided Mr. Shyamalan wasn’t so hot anymore around 2008, this article sums up the sentiment: http://screenrant.com/m-night-shyamalan-movies-career-sandy-67044/.

One of my favorite lessons in University was when we discussed the ‘baggage’ talent brings onto the set and how it can mess up their ability to tell a story convincingly. Lindsay Lohan is an excellent example of this. When an actor is very popular/makes a spectacle of themselves/becomes harassed by photogs off screen, it draws the focus away from their performances and places it in their public life. As a result, when that actor moves on to new roles, it is difficult for the audience to suspend their disbelief and enjoy the performance on its own. The actor is tightly tied to their off screen persona, whether its true or not.

I think the same has happened to Shyamalan, where critics feel he has become pretty lame, and has been unable to reach his full potential that was promised with The Sixth Sense.

I think this is a bunch of phooey. After Earth tells a good story, is beautifully shot, and makes you love the characters. The special effects aren’t overboard, just the right amount, and the take on the future in the film is believable. The animals are scary.

Also, Will Smith is just awesome, especially in his creaky hard ass dad soldier role. He’s so serious!

My Advice: If you like sci fi and animals, give it a chance.

My Rating: 4 Ursa’s out of 5.

Ghost Ship (2002)

The Deets:

Director: Steve Beck (13 Ghosts)

Cast: Julianna Margulies (ER, The Good Wife)

Desmond Harrington (Dexters’ sisters’ love interest & overall sketch bag cop in Dexter, for some reason he was also in Gossip Girl (dork) )

Good or Bad? So bad it’s good

Ghost Ship was slammed by critics, saying it was a garbage movie that was not as scary as it promised. I would argue, if you go into a movie called “Ghost Ship” and expect genuine scares then you’re kind of a douche anyways. The poster says “sea evil” for fucks sake. As in ‘see evil,’ but using the word “sea” instead of “see” because it’s an evil ship in the sea. The movie poster warns us ahead of time of the coming douchiness. It literally says “expect nothing good to come of this.”

As a budding Horror Movie Expert, my extensive experience has taught me that a bad film is still enjoyable.

There are two scenes that make this movie not a write off. I’m not telling you what they are. You will know.

Julianne Marguilles is excellent, shes an amazing actress and really gives er.

My advice: If you’re down for a bit of a cheese fest, with some genuinely good moments sprinkled in, take Ghost Ships helm and give it a good whirl. Really put your back into it though, don’t half ass it.

My Rating: 1.5 bellowing sea monsters out of 5.

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

The Deets:

Director: Drew Goddard

Written By: Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon

Cast: Chris Hemsworth (Thor)

Good or Bad? I’m in the middle

When Joss Whedon puts his name on something, you pay attention. He’s got Buffy, Angel, and The Avengers under his belt, all excellent.

But this one? I feel all mixed up.

The Cabin in the Woods is categorized as a satirical Horror film on wiki. It won’t be straightforward horror. But I was disappointed. The scary parts weren’t REALLY scary, but the funny parts were very funny. I would say this was more of a Comedy than a horror movie.

My advice: Set your expectations. Go into the film expecting a clever comedy rather than a horror movie, and you will finish very satisfied.

My Rating: 2.5 trumpeting elephants out of 5.

The Conjuring (2013)

I went looking for a trailer to post here, but after watching it I feel it gives too much away. If you’re going to watch this movie – DON’T WATCH THE TRAILER.

The Deets:

Director: James Wan (Insidious 1 & 2, Dead Silence)

Cast: Vera Farmiga (Bates Motel TV Series + So much more), Patrick Wilson (So hot it hurts inside & Insidiouses), LiLi Taylor (6 Feet Under, Hemlock Grove)

Good or Bad? SOOO GOOD

James Wan is just nailing it every time in the scary movie biz. Both Insidiouses were excellent, (I see them as one movie though) and I am waiting for Dead Silence to arrive in the mail but assume it will be fantastic already.

I love horror movies. I love them all – slash em ups, teen screams, monster movies! (The only exception is the torture stuff, can’t handle that) But what I like best and most are horror movies beautifully shot, with an excellent cast, and an awesome story. Also, if I can google it and come across more content that makes the story even scarier – then it’s just so much better. With the Conjuring, you get all of these. The acting is awesome, there are jumps, and there is a tonne of real life background story as it involves The Warrens – real life supernatural detectives. SUPERNATURAL DETECTIVES IN REAL LIFE.

This movie is based on one of the Warrens cases, which until now, was too scary to talk about. A family gets haunted hardcore when they move into a new house. THAT’S ALL I’M TELLING YOU.

How you should watch it: cuddled up with someone warm and snacks at night. Make sure there are no dolls in the room unless you like peeing yourself. But don’t be a puss and leave the lights on, TURN ‘EM OFF.

My Rating: 5 piles of purring kittens out of 5